Hot Buttons, part 1

One thing we do in TBRI is have a ‘check in’ with ourselves and our kids called an engine check. Our engine check has three colors. No color is bad or wrong. We have blue, feeling kind of low, run down, maybe tired or just out of it.  Green – feeling ready to go, ready for what is to come next. Red - kind of revved up; maybe excited or anxious or even irritated. Take a deep breath in slowly and let it out slowly. How are you feeling? Blue, green or red?

This checking in with ourselves is a good way to begin our own self-regulation. Last week we talked about compassion fatigue - - Compassion fatigue occurs when the caregiver feels physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted, often leading to a change in attitude. Neglecting your mental and physical health and allowing long-term stress to linger can result in fatigue or burnout.  How can we move out of this place of compassion fatigue and walk in a better mental, emotional, and spiritual space?

When we stop to look at our own selves, to find ways to care for ourselves, we find that we have more to give others. You might have heard, you cannot pour from an empty cup – right, so filling our own cup is not selfish, it is necessary to move forward, to meet the needs of those who rely on us.

Psalm 139:23-24 say - (NIV)

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Search me, oh God, I prayed. I was not prepared for the revelation the Lord brought.  It came in slow pieces, like trying to unravel a skein of yarn that has gotten a knot in the middle. You twist it this way, turn the yarn under here, pull there, and sometimes it seems the knot is getting bigger before it all starts to finally give way and unravel.  That is how it was for me. I sat with the Lord, and a Christian counselor for many months before I began to really see how God was revealing the hidden places of my heart.  I had gotten so good at making things “look good” that I had missed some of the hardest parts of my heart. One revelation came about when I learned about “buttons.” You know, those places that people ‘touch on’ that really get us worked up – when we say, “they just really know how to push all my buttons.”  I didn’t even know I had buttons that were being pushed.

That skein of yarn that God had to help me unravel, part of that process was figuring out what my buttons or triggers are.  When I give my child a direction and instead of following the direction my child ignores me - - that is a big hot button or trigger for me.  I would fly off the handle in my response. Frustration would well up inside of me. I could literally feel my anger rising. I would come at my child with “guns blazing” in response to their behavior when all I really needed was a little fly-swatter to meet the behavioral need.  I was not responding appropriately to my child’s behavior.  Why did I fall apart when my child ‘ignored’ me? I learned being ignored is one of my buttons.  The perception that I am being ignored makes me feel like I don’t matter, that no one sees me, no one hears me – and I get mad. I have come to recognize when I am being triggered in this way. I can now stop, and say to myself, “This isn’t me today. This is a hurt place from a long time ago. I don’t have to walk in this anger, I can walk in the newness of life with Jesus, I can walk with compassion, I can walk with empathy, I can move forward in a healthy way.”

Mindfulness begins when we can stop and feel what we are feeling. Where do you feel the emotion? Is it a tightening of your jaw or shoulders, do your legs feel like they are going to give way under you or do you feel ready to run away? Now that you have identified what you are feeling what you are feeling and where you are feeling it, what do you do?

Take Time Out – give yourself room to breath and process what you have identified

Fix – not as in “fix the problem” but fix your eyes on Jesus, fix your eyes on things that are true, pure, lovely and right, and surrender to God’s will.

Respond – respond carefully – not “flying off the handle” but rather taking time to move forward in a healthy space.