Attachment

As infants our brains are doing a constant dance of expressing need followed by the need being met by a loving parent.  The sympathetic nervous system is triggered by need and the parasympathetic system kicks in when the need is met.  Baby cries and baby is fed, or diaper changed, or held, etc. This is called the attachment cycle. Our regulating begins at the very beginning of life.  When my son joined our family at 15 he had already spent his entire life in institutional care without having had developed any real connection or consistency to a loving caregiver.  His brain was stuck in the survival mindset causing anxiety related to his basic needs and safety not being met.  

Anxiety doesn't always look the same. Sometimes it looks like having a dirty diaper thrown at you, sometimes it looks like zoning out and rocking, stealing and frequent fights.  Life began to change ever so slowly as we proved ourselves trustworthy as consistent caregivers to our son.  However, the process for that transformation takes time.  Most people who meet him today would never believe his beginning nor the intensive time took with him for those changes to happen.

When he first arrived our main priority was to help him feel safe.  We set the bar very low in our expectation of his behavior.  The slightest correction had him biting himself or grabbing his head and apologizing profusely as he protected himself from the physical blows he expected to come from us.  While our bar was low for him, we had a pretty high bar set for ourselves.  We couldn't continue to parent just as we had before adoption.  If we ever hoped to teach him, we knew we had to have his trust. 

If you've never studied about trauma and the brain, it's easy to see a child as misbehaving rather than unregulated.  Our bar slowly raised for each of our children, over time, as we saw they had developed healthy coping options when that anxiety crept in.  That's what we do at the care farm.  We get to walk our visitors at the farm through attachment with the animals, empowering them to be in the place of meeting needs.  

For those who lived for many years feeling powerless, they now see a direct link between their care for the animal and the relationship of trust that comes with that. Developing a relationship with an animal feels safer and is a step closer to understanding the relationships we have with people.

"Mom, look the sheep came to me. The sheep eat out of my hand!"

"Yes, they think you are safe and gentle and kind."

I have an opportunity to partner with my son in a pleasurable new discovery. Not only that but I get to reinforce positive and life-giving messages that tell him what I think of him.